“Mom! I’m done!”
I hear this battle cry exuberantly called from the bathroom many times each day. One of my children has finished up in the bathroom and needs my help to wash their hands. I used to rush in and help, to make sure they were doing a good job, getting nice and clean, and not making a mess. But for the last year or so, since my children are now 5 and 6, I have called back, “Do it yourself. You know how.” Which is usually met with a sigh or a begrudging “Ok mom,” because they are used to mommy coming and doing it for them.
Just recently, I realized that I never hear that call from my 3-year-old. I know she washes her hands-as evidenced by the huge puddle of water covering the sink most days-but she just doesn’t think she needs my help to do it. I started wondering why she, who is so much younger than my other children, is more independent than they are? I came to the conclusion that I never made her feel like she couldn’t do it.
When my other children were potty training, I would stand nearby, waiting for them to be done, then help them finish up and wash up. If I had to walk away for a minute, I made sure they knew to call me when they were done so I could help them. By hovering around and insisting I be there to help, I instilled in them a belief. That belief is “I can’t do it myself.” I enabled them to constantly ask for help and rely on me, instead of taking a chance and figuring it out by themselves.
On the other hand, my 3-year-old just recently potty trained in this last year. While I was still by her side helping her through the process in the very beginning, she soon got the hang of it herself and quit asking for my help. I believe it is because she was constantly listening me tell her older brother and sister that they could do it themselves. She then assumed that this meant she could do it herself as well. She had no reason to believe “I can’t do it,” because she heard mommy always saying “You can do it,” even if I wasn’t talking to her.
Does this mean that my bathroom sink is constantly wet and the hand towel is usually dripping with water? Yes, yes it does. And when I realize she is in the bathroom, I usually go in and remind her to wipe up the counter and leave it looking nice. Still, I would rather take the mess.
The mess signifies that she knows she is capable of doing something herself.
The mess signifies that she isn’t afraid to fail, because she hasn’t been conditioned to believe that she will.
The mess signifies that she is willing to try.
This same daughter is the one that will get herself dressed (many, many times a day!), match her own socks, and brush her own hair. She is also the same daughter who will come help me fold laundry, and clean up her own messes-even if by “folding” she means bunching into a ball, and by “cleaning up” she means shoving it all under the couch or into a corner.
Could it be that she simply has a more independent personality. Maybe. But I believe it is because she has watched me try to foster independence in her older siblings (yes, the same independence I trained out of them!), and has learned that she can do these things as well. I wasn’t hovering over her from day one giving her all kinds of reasons she couldn’t do it by herself. Instead she watched me giving my other children all kinds of reasons they could, which gave her the same reasons. She is capable. She can do it.
Do we teach our children that they just can’t do it by our attitudes? Or do we instill in them a belief that they can do anything they set their minds to?
And what about us as adults?
Do we choose to not even try something new because we just know we will fail? Who said?
It doesn’t matter what you are trying to accomplish–homeschooling your children, starting a new business, losing 50 pounds-you can do it! If someone is telling you that you can’t, prove them wrong. If you are telling yourself you can’t, time for a major attitude check.
No, you won’t succeed at every thing you try, every time. That’s life! “Steve Jobs was fired from his own company; Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison; and Abraham Lincoln failed in business, had a nervous breakdown, and was defeated in eight elections.” (source) Yet today we think of all these people as huge successes. You know why? Because they didn’t believe the lie of “I can’t do it.” They persevered through failures, learned their lessons, and came back stronger than ever.
What are you trying to accomplish today? Put one foot in front of the other and believe that you can do it! Sure, you may fail. But what if you succeed?
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