Rahab To Riches

From the rags of sin to the riches of His mercy

Pregnancy After Loss

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Today, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, I am writing a post about getting pregnant again after a miscarriage. Last year in May I went to a routine prenatal appointment at 15 weeks gestation and discovered that my sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat. He had been taken into the arms of Jesus before I ever got to hold him in mine. The next few months are somewhat a blur as I went through the motions of my day, caring for my other children, while trying to process the loss. I remember the absolute worst things that people could say to me at that time was, “Well, at least you weren’t very far along” or “It’s for the best, there must have been something wrong with the baby anyway.” Yes, I heard those both more times than I care to remember. And each time it felt like a knife through my heart. It’s true I wasn’t very far along, but that little baby already had a place in my heart, in my family, and in my dreams of the future. I spent a lot of time those next few months pouring my heart out to God, reading His Word, and writing down my feelings. I truly believe that all three of those things helped keep me from falling apart.

Fast forward a year, and I’m pregnant again. Although it felt so different at first. Every other pregnancy I have felt joy mingled with excitement and a little bit of nervousness. I’ve wanted to tell everyone and my pregnancy is all I ever want to talk about. I wasn’t prepared for the shift this time in how I would feel. I was more nervous than joyful. I was reserved. I didn’t want to tell anyone right away-because what if it happened again?

I think what took me most by surprise was my inability to bond with this new life growing inside me. It’s like I was holding back so that I wouldn’t get my heart broken again. There was no singing lullabies to my tummy, no rubbing it while murmuring affectionate words and hopes for our new life together. And so much anxiety. Why haven’t I felt movement yet? Is what I’m feeling normal? Did this happen last time or with my “normal” pregnancies? I over-analyzed and over-thought every little thing.

Even now at 8 months pregnant, I’m just beginning to hope. I can feel the baby moving and kicking all throughout the day, so I think that helps to reassure me that everything is good. I still notice a reservation, but I am trying to work through that. I also notice I am more susceptible to becoming depressed. I have to daily look for joy in my life so I don’t get sucked into a black hole of worry, doubt, and hopelessness.

I have to remind myself that God is in control, and no matter what happens He will never leave me nor forsake me. He already knows what tomorrow holds, and as long as I look to Him I will be okay. Although this pregnancy has not been what I’ve expected, I am happy. Happy to once again feel a baby in my womb. And hopeful. Hopeful that in 7 short weeks I will be able to hold this baby in my arms and kiss it’s newborn, glowing face. And hopeful that one day in Heaven I will be able to do the same for my little boy that I never got to meet in this life.

linked up at A Wise Woman Builds Her Home , The Deliberate Mom, Christian Mommy Blogger, and Raising Homemakers

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9 Comments

  1. This is a powerful post. My heart mourns and rejoices with you. It is terrible how lightly miscarriage is treated in our society. Thank you for sharing such tender memories and honest anxieties. You are not alone in these feelings, and this is a great reminder to all women who have suffered the loss of a child that it is normal to take time to heal and have a difficult time letting your walls down again. I look forward to hearing more about your journey with the newest little one.

    • Rahab to Riches

      October 15, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Thank you Bobbie. It has definitely been a process of healing, and I find writing about it is very helpful. Thank you for reading and understanding.

  2. Rosilind @ A Little R & R

    October 16, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Oh yes – I understand your response so well. It was hard for me too. I continually had to remind msyelf that I couldn’t make my pregnancies be healthy, so I had to trust the Lord. It is hard – but it takes us to a deeper level of faith – where faith becomes truly real!

    • Rahab to Riches

      October 16, 2014 at 7:59 am

      Yes, I have learned to praise the Lord through the good as well as the bad. It has definitely strengthened my faith. Thank you for commenting!

  3. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom

    October 16, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Oh what a beautiful and powerful post.

    I had two miscarriages and I too struggled to bond with my second daughter while in utero. I kept thinking it was a trick… that she would suddenly die. It was dreadful.

    I’m sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing this. I’m certain many will identify with the words you’ve shared.

    Thanks for sharing and linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo

  4. I’m very sorry that this happened. Oftentimes, people don’t know what to say to someone who’s mourning a loss. Sometimes words are better unsaid. I’m sure writing this post helps with your healing process. Hugs!

  5. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. I have three beautiful daughters and I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to lose a baby before meeting them. Yet I have friends who have. Hugs to you.

    Reply
  6. Miranda,
    You were able to explain in words exactly what I felt and haven’t been able to explain. I felt that very same way when I was pregnant with Brian after I had a miscarriage. It took me until about 5 months to let myself be excited and to rub my belly and sing and talk to him because I feared I would get too attached. The thought of it makes me so emotional….

    Thank you so much for this post. You are an amazing writer!!

    Reply
    • Rahab to Riches

      October 19, 2014 at 7:37 am

      Mayra,
      I am so happy that you have a beautiful baby to hold in your arms now. You are a great mommy! Thank you for your kind words. Writing this post was very emotional for me but it has been a way to release some of the fears I was holding onto. I’m glad that you liked it.
      -Miranda

      Reply

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